


Star Trekkin Across The Universe

by SylviaNightshade



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, I composed this solely for my own entertainment, Incorrect Quotes, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:00:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 204
Words: 5,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SylviaNightshade/pseuds/SylviaNightshade
Summary: Literally just a collection of incorrect quotes. I take no credit for any of this, only who I've applied the quotes to.
Relationships: Gaila/Nyota Uhura, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Nyota Uhura, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott/Nyota Uhura, Pavel Chekov/Hikaru Sulu
Comments: 151
Kudos: 371





	1. Chapter 1

Spock: *teaching at the Academy* Remember class, you can be anything you want.  
Jim: *from the back* Can I be yo man?  
Spock: I... don’t think that’s appropriate—  
Jim: YOUR ASS SAID ANYTHING


	2. Chapter 2

*on any away mission ever*  
Spock: I’ve connected the two dots.  
Bones: You didn’t connect shit.  
Spock: I’ve connected them.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim: Yeah, we’re best friends, but I’d fuck you if you asked.  
Spock: What?   
Bones: *drinking heavily in the background* He said he’d fuck you if you asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim: Why do you look so happy?  
Bones: Can’t I just smile because I feel like it?  
Sulu: Spock tripped and fell coming out of the turbo lift.


	5. Chapter 5

Chekov: Would you have sex with your clone?  
Chekov: I would, because I want to know if I’m good in bed.  
Sulu: I would not have sex with my clone because my self-loathing is THAT strong.  
Scotty: I would not have sex with my clone because what if my clone is evil?  
Uhura: I would fuck my clone, because who would know better how to fuck ME than ME?  
Bones: It’s just like masturbating, right? No big deal.  
Gaila: To be honest, fucking my clone has always been my fantasy.  
Kirk: Not only would I have sex with my clone, I’d probably make a bunch of clones and just get it on with all of them at once because that’s how pro-clone fucking I am.  
Spock: ... No.


	6. Chapter 6

Bones: What’s this?  
Jim: My to-do list.  
Bones: This just has Spock’s name on it.


	7. Chapter 7

Gaila: Nice dress.  
Uhura: Thanks, it was 50% off.  
Gaila: I’d like it 100% off.  
Uhura: The store can’t just give out free stuff.  
Gaila: Uh—  
Uhura: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Gaila.


	8. Chapter 8

Spock: I’m kind of cold.  
Jim: Here, take my coat.  
Scotty: I’m cold, too.  
Bones: Well damn, Scotty! I can’t control the weather!


	9. Chapter 9

Scotty: Are you drunk?  
Bones: Please, off of twelve drinks?


	10. Chapter 10

Chekov: Wait, are you flirting with me?  
Sulu: Have been for the past year, but thanks for noticing.


	11. Chapter 11

Jim: From now on, we’ll be using code names; you can address me as Eagle One!  
Jim: Carol is— Been there, done that.  
Jim: Spock is— Currently doing that.  
Jim: Uhura is— It happened once in a dream.  
Jim: Sulu is— If I had to pick a dude.  
Jim: Chekov is— I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it.  
Jim: Bones is— Eagle Two.  
Bones: Oh, thank God.


	12. Chapter 12

Sulu: Can I tell you a secret?  
Uhura: I wouldn’t recommend it, no.


	13. Chapter 13

Uhura: I have this urge to do something stupid.  
Scotty: I’m stupid. Do me.  
Uhura:  
Bones:  
Kirk:   
Spock:  
Sulu:  
Chekov:  
Scotty: Did I just say that out loud?


	14. Chapter 14

*in TOS*  
Leila: I love you.  
Spock: Wrong number.  
Leila: I’m standing right here.  
Spock: Wrong address.  
Leila: ???  
Spock: Leave a message at the tone.


	15. Chapter 15

Spock: We’re so in sync that we finish each other’s—  
Jim: Sentences.  
Spock: Please don’t interrupt me.


	16. Chapter 16

Jim: *shortly before getting stabbed* What are you gonna do, stab me?


	17. Chapter 17

Bones: You know those moments where I tell you something isn’t a good idea—  
Jim: And then I ignore you, yeah.


	18. Chapter 18

Scotty: You’re probably one of those beautiful women who doesn’t even know it.  
Uhura: No, I know it.


	19. Chapter 19

Spock: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.  
Khan: You almost killed me.  
Spock: That was my fondest memory.


	20. Chapter 20

*in TSFS*  
Bones: Spock died to save the Enterprise.  
Spock’s Katra in Bones: Quit telling people I’m dead!  
Bones: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.


	21. Chapter 21

Bones: Commander Spock. How do I even begin to describe Commander Spock?  
Jim: Spock is flawless.  
Chekov: I hear his hair is ensured for 10,000 Starfleet credits.  
Sulu: I hear he does science commercials... on New Vulcan.  
Uhura: He has two 3-D chess sets and a Vulcan lyre.  
Scotty: One time, he met his older self from the future. And he told him he was the prettier one.  
Khan: One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome.


	22. Chapter 22

Spock Prime: You’re very mature for your age.  
Jim: Thanks, it’s the trauma.


	23. Chapter 23

Jim: I’m not sick. If I were sick, could I do this?  
Bones: ... What are you doing?   
Jim: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?


	24. Chapter 24

Spock: How will we defeat Khan?   
Uhura: I’m not supposed to have any ideas; I’m the hot one.  
Jim: I’m pretty sure I’m the hot one.


	25. Chapter 25

Chekov: Hey, Dr. McCoy! How are you?   
Bones: Well, I have this headache that comes and goes.  
Spock: Hello, Doctor.  
Bones: There it is again.


	26. Chapter 26

Jim: I’m a miserable failure.  
Bones: Yes, you are.  
Jim: I failed my mission.  
Bones: Yes, you did.  
Jim: I could use some words of encouragement.  
Bones: Yes, you could.


	27. Chapter 27

Pike: Jim, you’re in charge while I’m away.  
Jim: Alright, I’m your man.  
Pike: Keep the others out of trouble.  
Jim: Okay, I’m kinda your man.  
Pike: And don’t do anything stupid.   
Jim: You need a new man.


	28. Chapter 28

Jim: When have I ever done anything rash or irresponsible?  
Bones: I keep a list. It’s alphabetized.


	29. Chapter 29

Uhura: Hikaru.  
Sulu: Nyota.   
Chekov: Pavel.  
Uhura: You just said your own name, sweetie.  
Chekov: It was the only one left.


	30. Chapter 30

Scotty: Afternoon, Doctor. Make anyone cry today?  
Bones: Sadly, no. But it’s only four-thirty.


	31. Chapter 31

Bones: Stop dating that green-blooded hobgoblin!  
Jim: You know what? I’m gonna date him even harder now!


	32. Chapter 32

Jim: Sulu, how are we looking?  
Sulu: Sexy, but not like we’re trying too hard. I mean, sure, we’re trying, but it’s almost effortless.


	33. Chapter 33

Jim: I don’t have a crush on Spock!  
Jim: He’s just someone I stare at and like and when he’s not here it ruins my day!


	34. Chapter 34

Chekov: What’s a word for angry and sad?  
Spock: Upset.  
Uhura: Distraught.  
Jim: Smad.


	35. Chapter 35

Jim: Sulu and Chekov? I don’t see it.  
Jim: Oh god, now I see it.  
Jim: I can’t stop seeing it.


	36. Chapter 36

Uhura: Listen up, fives.  
Uhura: A ten is speaking.


	37. Chapter 37

Bones: How long have you been sleeping with Spock?  
Jim: What? I don’t even get— why would I— I’ve never had sex with anyone, anywhere— it’s none of your— you have the nerve, the audacity— Spock is my First Officer and he is terrible, face-wise— and how— how— do I know, frankly, that you’re not sleeping with him? Hm? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re trying to throw me off.


	38. Chapter 38

Spock: Is that your hand on my butt?  
Jim: It was an accident.  
Spock: Captain, your hand is still on my butt.   
Jim: It’s still an accident.


	39. Chapter 39

Sulu: I need to get something off my chest.  
Chekov: Is it your shirt? Please say yes.


	40. Chapter 40

Jim: So, Spock and I had sex.  
Bones: And?  
Jim: Aren’t you shocked?  
Bones: Oh, sorry.  
Bones: *gasp* AND??


	41. Chapter 41

Scotty: You use sarcasm to distance people.  
Bones: And yet you’re still here.


	42. Chapter 42

Jim: That’s a nice outfit, Sulu.  
Jim: It would look even better on Chekov’s bedroom floor.  
Sulu:   
Chekov: Are you hitting on Hikaru... FOR me?


	43. Chapter 43

Uhura: Jim, can we talk? One ten to another?   
Jim: I’m an eleven, but continue.


	44. Chapter 44

Spock: I’ve prepared a safety briefing for you to entirely ignore.  
Jim: Which I will.


	45. Chapter 45

Spock: *talking*  
Jim: I can’t believe I’m gonna have to sleep with him.  
Sulu: Well, you don’t have to...  
Jim: No, I’m gonna.


	46. Chapter 46

Jim: Don’t worry, Uhura’s totally into you. I read her diary. She likes your butt and fancy hair.  
Gaila: She really thinks it’s fancy?


	47. Chapter 47

Uhura: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?   
Bones: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.  
Jim: Tackle him.  
Sulu: Dump him.  
Chekov: Kick him in the shin.  
Scotty: NO TO ALL OF THOSE JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN


	48. Chapter 48

Chekov: Hey, do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?  
Sulu: You are a hazard to society.  
Jim: And a coward. Do twenty.


	49. Chapter 49

Jim: Hello?  
Bones: Yo, I’m here. Open up.  
Jim: As a child I was forced to eat dog food for dinner…  
Bones: Open the fucking door.


	50. Chapter 50

Jim: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.  
Sulu: I’ve witnessed the dumb stuff.  
Uhura: I’ve recorded the dumb stuff.   
Spock: I’ve joined you in the dumb stuff.  
Bones: AND I’VE TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF


	51. Chapter 51

Scotty: Why would you give Sulu a knife???  
Jaylah: He felt unsafe.  
Scotty: Now I feel unsafe!  
Jaylah: I’m sorry.  
Jaylah: Would you like a knife?


	52. Chapter 52

Bones: The glass is half empty.  
Chekov: I think it’s half full.  
Bones: I think you’re full of shit.


	53. Chapter 53

Gaila: Honey, it’s really muggy out today.  
Uhura: If I go outside and all the mugs are on our front lawn, I’m leaving you.  
Gaila: *sips coffee from bowl*


	54. Chapter 54

Bones: Hello, people who do not live here.  
Jim: Hey.  
Sulu: Hi.  
Chekov: Stratsvi.  
Scotty: Hello.  
Bones: I GAVE YOU THE KEYS FOR EMERGENCIES  
Jim: We were out of Doritos.


	55. Chapter 55

Jim: I have to pee, but I’m too lazy.  
Sulu: Looks like urine trouble.  
Jim:   
Bones:  
Uhura:  
Spock:  
Scotty:  
Chekov: *on the floor laughing*


	56. Chapter 56

Uhura: You don’t think I can fight because I’m a girl!   
Bones: I don’t think you can fight because you’re wearing a wedding dress. For what it’s worth, I don’t think Jim could fight in that dress either.  
Jim: Perhaps not, but I would make a radiant bride.


	57. Chapter 57

Jim: Nice fingers, Spock. They would look even better wrapped around my—  
Bones: AROUND THE WORD OF OUR LORD THE HOLY BIBLE AMEN


	58. Chapter 58

Scotty: Why are Sulu and Chekov sitting with their backs to each other?   
Uhura: They had a fight.  
Scotty: Then why are they holding hands?  
Uhura: They get sad when they fight.


	59. Chapter 59

Jim: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.  
Sulu: Killed without hesitation.


	60. Chapter 60

Jim: I wasn’t THAT drunk.   
Uhura: You were flirting with Spock.  
Jim: So what? He’s my boyfriend!  
Sulu: You asked him if he was single.  
Sulu: And then cried when he said he wasn’t.


	61. Chapter 61

Chekov: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? I’d be excited just to have a bunk bed!  
Jim:  
Uhura:  
Jim: I’m gonna tell him.  
Uhura: Don’t you dare.


	62. Chapter 62

Bones: I have an idea.  
Jim: No murdering Spock!  
Bones: I no longer have an idea.

*alternatively*

Jim: I have an idea!  
Bones: No, we’re not going to sleep with them.  
Jim: I no longer have an idea.


	63. Chapter 63

Bones: You are what you eat.  
Jim: So that’s why girls always call me a dick.  
Bones:


	64. Chapter 64

Chekov: It’s dark in here.  
Sulu:  
Chekov: I’m not scared of anything! I’m a tough guy.  
Sulu:  
Sulu: Do you want me to hold your hand?  
Chekov: Oh, thank God, I thought I was gonna have to ask.


	65. Chapter 65

Bones: Are you the sun?  
Bones: Because you…  
Bones: Better stay 92 million fucking miles away from me.


	66. Chapter 66

Uhura: People always ask me how to pronounce my name.  
Uhura: Is it Ooo-hura or Uh-hura?  
Uhura: I always tell them the same thing.  
Uhura: How dare you speak to me.


	67. Chapter 67

Jim: I’m not going to stand here and listen to you accuse me of things I clearly did.


	68. Chapter 68

Scotty: Do you ever wonder what your last words will be?  
Bones: Yes.  
Scotty: Well, what would they be?  
Bones: … Finally.


	69. Chapter 69

Uhura: I’m not interested in being polite or heterosexual.


	70. Chapter 70

Jim: I am the most responsible person in this group.   
Bones: You just set the kitchen on fire.  
Jim: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.


	71. Chapter 71

Carol: You look so handsome.  
Jim: I try not to, it just keeps happening.


	72. Chapter 72

Chekov: Captain, they’re in the yard!  
Jim: Who?  
Chekov: The boys!  
Jim: *gasping* My milkshakes!


	73. Chapter 73

Chekov: Omg! Why would someone want to kill the Captain?  
Bones: Maybe because they met him?


	74. Chapter 74

Jim: ‘Sleepy’ is so much cuter than ‘tired’. We should stop saying tired and start saying sleepy.   
Bones: I’m so sleepy of your shit.


	75. Chapter 75

Uhura: I don’t dress to impress, I dress to depress.  
Uhura: I look so good I make people hate themselves.


	76. Chapter 76

Bones: I’m one more minor inconvenience away from losing my shit.


	77. Chapter 77

Scotty: THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! This is a hammer! You call yourselves engineers? I asked for a drill! How am I supposed to get this screw out?!


	78. Chapter 78

Spock: *with his lyre* This song is called: My Life So Far  
Spock: *inhales*   
Spock: *screams*


	79. Chapter 79

Jim: What if I put coffee in my cereal instead of milk?  
Bones: *taking away the coffee pot* What if you didn’t?


	80. Chapter 80

Sulu: Do I look straight?  
Uhura: Not in the slightest.  
Sulu: No, I mean my parking job.  
Uhura: Oh, in that case yes, it’s fine.


	81. Chapter 81

Jim: Who the fuck?  
Spock: Language.  
Jim: Whom the fuck?  
Spock: No.


	82. Chapter 82

Jim: I wasn’t hurt that badly! You told me I had internal bleeding; that’s where the blood is supposed to be!  
Bones: JIM


	83. Chapter 83

Chekov: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?  
Spock: As I am a Vulcan and not a kitchen utensil I cannot begin to answer that question.  
Jim: He’s the little spoon.


	84. Chapter 84

Uhura: Tell me everything.  
Jim: I thought you didn’t gossip.   
Uhura: I don’t. I just collect dirt on everyone whenever possible so I can blackmail them later. Now give me the details.


	85. Chapter 85

Jim: I DO WHAT I WANT  
Bones: I’m calling Spock.  
Jim: No wait.


	86. Chapter 86

Jim: Define ‘interesting’.  
Sulu: Oh god, oh god, we’re all gonna die?


	87. Chapter 87

Jim: Scotty, you’re in charge. Take Bones and Uhura.  
Scotty: Yes! My fantasy threesome!  
Jim:  
Bones:  
Uhura:  
Scotty: … Of people on a team.


	88. Chapter 88

Sulu: WELCOME TO FUCKING APPLEBEES, DO YOU WANT APPLES OR BEES?  
Spock: … bees?  
Sulu: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES  
Spock: Wait—  
Bones: *approaches, shaking a jar full of bees*  
Spock: WAIT—


	89. Chapter 89

Jim: I was thinking more flat-out stealing…   
Scotty: What? No way!  
Jim: We already stole Jaylah.   
Scotty: No, we didn’t. Jaylah’s her own person and she can do what she wants.   
Jaylah: I wanna steal.


	90. Chapter 90

Chekov: Hey do you want to watch Stalingrad with me?  
Sulu: I AM IN THE SHOWER  
Chekov: Ok well when you’re done, do you want to watch Stalingrad with me?


	91. Chapter 91

Jim: Just tell her: You’re beautiful.  
Gaila: Okay, thanks.  
Gaila: *to Uhura* I’m beautiful.


	92. Chapter 92

Jaylah: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We’ll hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever’s under there.  
Scotty: We are not doing that.  
Jaylah: Mistlefoe.  
Scotty: Jaylah, no.


	93. Chapter 93

Jim: What can I say? I’m charming and irresponsible.  
Jim: *irresistible


	94. Chapter 94

Jim: Why am I not a banana?  
Spock: Because your genetic code dictates that you are human. However, it should please you to know that you share 50-60% of your DNA with a banana.  
Jim: Thanks, babe.   
Scotty:  
Scotty: Are you telling me that some people are 10% more banana than other people?


	95. Chapter 95

Pike: Everybody say something, keep it going! Eggs, bacon, grits SAUSAGE  
Chekov: I’m a skinny bitch but I still take the SAUSAGE  
Uhura: Got a fat ass but I still take the SAUSAGE  
T'Pring: Got a FLAT ass but I still take the SAUSAGE  
Scotty: Wake up in the morning and I eat that SAUSAGE  
Gaila: I’m a redhead but I still get the SAUSAGE  
Sulu: I’m a gay top but I still take SAUSAGE  
Carol: White girls swag girls take your man’s SAUSAGE  
Jim: EUGNUHEGHGNUEH SAUSAGE  
Bones: I’m white and I’m thick but you know I get the SAUSAGE  
Spock: Yeah, I read books, but they all about SAUSAGE

Enterprise Crew: SAUCE-SA-SAUCE-SA-SA-SAUSAGE-SAUSAGE! 

Jaylah: I like girls, can I still take sausage?


	96. Chapter 96

Khan: I’ve gotten to know the Enterprise pretty well because of my exploits.  
Khan: If you ever hear them talking about "that genetically superior pain in the ass.”  
Khan: That’s me.


	97. Chapter 97

Jim: Has anyone ever told you that your tenacity can be a bit intimidating?  
Uhura: Yes. Every day of my life since the fourth grade.


	98. Chapter 98

Spock: *choking Jim*  
Jim: *in his head* I know this is a dire situation, but I swear to god, this is like a crazy sex fantasy for me.


	99. Chapter 99

*in TMP*  
Kirk: Do you wanna run this ship?  
Decker: Yes!  
Kirk: ... Well... you can’t!


	100. Chapter 100

Pike: Jim, you can’t override the prime directive.  
Jim: Not to worry, I have a permit.  
Pike: *reads slip of paper*  
Pike: This just says 'I can do what I want.'


	101. Chapter 101

Bones: I’ll have you know that I am a sweet treat. I am a fucking delight to be around, okay?


	102. Chapter 102

Jim: Ooo, you had a crush on me?  
Spock: Jim, we have been bonded for ten years.  
Jim: Still.


	103. Chapter 103

Scotty: Hey, can you pass the salt?   
Bones: Sure.  
Bones: *throws Spock across the table*


	104. Chapter 104

Uhura: What’s your favorite thing about starship captains?   
Gaila: Their girlfriends.


	105. Chapter 105

Scotty: Do you want a quickie?   
Bones: What???  
Scotty: A quickie, like one of those pie things.  
Bones: IT IS PRONOUNCED QUICHE


	106. Chapter 106

Spock: Why do you hate me so much?  
Bones: Because it’s fun.


	107. Chapter 107

Jim: *goes in for a kiss*  
Spock: Captain, please. The crew does not know we are dating.   
Bones: *walking by* Yes, they do.


	108. Chapter 108

Chekov: *barging into the botany lab* SIX MONTHS  
Uhura: What is he talking about?  
Sulu: It’s nothing—  
Chekov: FOR SIX MONTHS YOU WATCHED ME WATER A PLASTIC PLANT


	109. Chapter 109

*Spock & Jim texting*  
Jim: hey i was thinking of making Pb sandwiches  
Spock: What would be the purpose? Lead is highly toxic, Captain. I do not recommend eating it.  
Jim:  
Jim: peanut butter  
Spock: I fail to see the relevance, unless you are using the food substance as innuendo as you did last week.  
Jim: spock please im dying  
Spock: Then I would recommend seeking out Dr. McCoy in sickbay as your failure to do so in the past has resulted in numerous sustained injuries.  
Jim: i literally love you sm  
Jim: but i meant im making peanut butter sandwiches, not lead sandwiches  
Spock: Jim, you are allergic to peanut butter.  
Jim: i know that  
Jim:  
Jim: wait shit  
Jim: i guess i am dying  
Spock: I will inform Dr. McCoy. 


	110. Chapter 110

*talking about the Kobayashi Maru*  
Spock: You cheated.  
Jim: *gestures to himself* Pirate.


	111. Chapter 111

Jim: Do you ever wanna talk about your emotions, Spock?  
Spock: No.  
Chekov: I do!  
Jim: I know, Pavel.  
Chekov: I’m sad!  
Jim: I know, Pavel.


	112. Chapter 112

Bones: Whoah!  
Khan: What?  
Bones: You’re O-negative. You’re a universal donor. You can give your blood to anybody.  
Khan: Or nobody, you fucking vampire.


	113. Chapter 113

T’Pring: *walks in on Spock’s celestial plane while they’re still bonded*  
Spock: *is fantasizing about Jim*  
T’Pring:  
Spock:  
T’Pring: Nice dream, loser.  
Spock: Why do you ruin everything in my life?


	114. Chapter 114

*Chekov & Sulu locked in a closet*  
Chekov: What are you doing?  
Sulu: I’m not doing anything...?  
Chekov: Part of you is doing something.  
Sulu: *looks down* Oh.  
Chekov: *blushes* Stop!  
Sulu: Well, I don’t exactly have control over it!  
Chekov: Let me turn around.  
Sulu:   
Sulu: Pavel?  
Chekov: Yeah?  
Sulu: That’s worse.


	115. Chapter 115

Spock: Nyota and I have a history.  
Uhura: Are you referring to our garbage fire of a relationship that ended with Jim’s dick in your mouth?


	116. Chapter 116

Chekov: I can fit the whole world in my hands.  
Sulu: Really?   
Chekov: Look.  
Chekov: *cups Sulu’s face*  
Sulu: *blushes*  
Bones: Excuse me. I have to go and vomit.


	117. Chapter 117

Bones: I’m gonna need you to swear—  
Jim: Fuck!  
Bones:  
Bones: Swear as in promise.


	118. Chapter 118

Gaila: Uhura asked me to be her fake date to her cousin’s wedding so she could avoid the usual “Are you seeing someone?” questions.  
Jim: I’ve read enough fanfic to know that this will end with you two declaring your undying love for each other.


	119. Chapter 119

Jaylah: I may have a couple of knives up my sleeve.   
Jim: … You mean tricks?  
Scotty: No, she means knives.


	120. Chapter 120

Chekov: I think I need more sleep.  
Sulu: Well, maybe if you stopped keeping me up all night, we’d BOTH be less tired.  
Uhura: … Oh?  
Sulu: Shut up. We were watching conspiracy theory videos.


	121. Chapter 121

Spock: I am not ‘uptight.’  
Uhura: I’ve seen you measure a ruler with another ruler.  
Spock: That ruler was off by 0.4 centimeters. It should not have been in circulation.


	122. Chapter 122

Jim: Sorry, I need to be alone right now.  
*later*  
Jim: Thanks for being alone with me, Spock.


	123. Chapter 123

Jim: Must you always attack me with words?  
Bones: Want me to use rocks?


	124. Chapter 124

Jaylah: I need someone to take me out.  
Scotty: Like on a date or with a sniper rifle?  
Jaylah: … Surprise me.


	125. Chapter 125

Spock: I need to hear you say three words.   
Jim: I love you.   
Spock:  
Spock: Try again.   
Jim: *sighing* Fine… I will behave.


	126. Chapter 126

*Sulu & Chekov making out on a couch*  
Chekov: You wanna take this to the bedroom?  
Sulu: Sure.  
Chekov: *gets up and goes to the side of the couch*  
Chekov: Okay, I’ll take this side, you take that side, and on the count of three, we’ll lift.  
Sulu:


	127. Chapter 127

Spock: I may seem calm, but rational me and emotional me are having a smack down 24/7.


	128. Chapter 128

Spock: *enters the briefing room, uncharacteristically disheveled* I apologize for the delay, I was caught up in an experiment.   
Jim: *enters behind him, smirking and equally disheveled* I’m the experiment.


	129. Chapter 129

Jim: I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things.


	130. Chapter 130

Jim: I’ll do whatever I want when I’m eighty.  
Bones: If you are still alive at the age of eighty, I will demand a medical explanation.


	131. Chapter 131

Bones: You piss me off so much.   
Spock: I believe I said “hello.”  
Bones: And yet here I am, boiling with rage.


	132. Chapter 132

Jim: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?  
Gaila: Isn’t that the bedrock upon which our relationship was founded?


	133. Chapter 133

Spock: Punch me in the face.   
Bones: Punch you?   
Spock: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?  
Bones: I always hear 'punch me in the face' when you're speaking but it's usually subtext.


	134. Chapter 134

Jim: Last night, I accidentally slept with a prostitute.  
Bones: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?  
Jim: Yes.   
Bones: Accidentally?  
Jim: Yes.   
Bones: I don’t understand. Did you trip over something?


	135. Chapter 135

Jim: Somebody needs a hug.  
Bones: Somebody doesn’t.


	136. Chapter 136

Bones: Jim sneezed and I accidentally said “shut the fuck up” instead of “bless you”.  
Scotty: How… do you accidentally say “shut the fuck up”?


	137. Chapter 137

Bones: This is the worst idea you’ve ever had.  
Jim: So far.  
Bones: What?  
Jim: This is the worst idea I’ve ever had, so far.  
Bones: That doesn’t improve the situation at all.


	138. Chapter 138

Jim: Get Uhura in here. Tell her I said something.  
Sulu: Said what?  
Jim: Anything factually incorrect.   
*two minutes later*   
Uhura: I’m sorry, the Andorian home world has sixteen suns???


	139. Chapter 139

Scotty: Please tell me Uhura loves me more than she loves you.  
Bones: I think it’s about the same.  
Scotty: Okay, I can live with that.


	140. Chapter 140

Gaila: I’m always on high alert for lesbians.


	141. Chapter 141

Scotty: Guys, I gotta say…  
Scotty: My feelings for Uhura might be resurfacing.  
Bones: Well, they were buried in a shallow grave.


	142. Chapter 142

Jim: Date someone who will wake you up at three am to look at the stars.   
Bones: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at three in the morning to go look at the damn stars, they will be removed indefinitely from my life.


	143. Chapter 143

Scotty: Uhura, you’re like an angel with no wings.  
Uhura: So, like a person.


	144. Chapter 144

Jim: I did meet some pretty insufferable people down on the planet.  
Jim: But then again, they also met me.


	145. Chapter 145

Jim: Look, I get death threats all the time. I’m captain of the best ship in the fleet! It’s no big deal.   
Bones: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that’s right, because it threatens death!


	146. Chapter 146

Sulu: The captain and I both used to go to therapy.  
Jim: Sulu, I’m still very much in therapy.  
Jim: And up until this point, I was pretty sure you were, too.  
Sulu:  
Jim:  
Jim: You should really go back to therapy.


	147. Chapter 147

Chekov: Until I fell in love with Hikaru, I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.  
Uhura: So… you were gay…  
Uhura: And then you figured out you were even MORE gay?   
Chekov: Essentially.


	148. Chapter 148

Bones: Can you describe the thing that shot you?  
Jim: Yeah. It wasn’t very friendly.


	149. Chapter 149

Jim: Why do you always have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?  
Bones: I don’t.  
Jim: You do! You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams!  
Bones: Is there a way for this conversation to end without me killing myself?


	150. Chapter 150

Sulu: Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.  
Chekov: Hello, Hikaru!  
Sulu: I love you.


	151. Chapter 151

Jim: And once again, Kirk and Spock save the day!  
Uhura: You didn’t do anything. It was all Spock.  
Jim: We’re a package deal. Everybody knows that.


	152. Chapter 152

Jim: Starfleet likes to say that you can be part of the problem or part of the solution.  
Jim: But I happen to believe you can be both.


	153. Chapter 153

Jim: This is my ex-boyfriend, Spock.  
Spock: Captain, please cease introducing me this way.  
Spock: I am his husband.


	154. Chapter 154

Chekov: I have edge.  
Uhura: You really don’t. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I’ve ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb.


	155. Chapter 155

Spock: Where is the captain?  
Chekov: Doing stuff.  
Spock: That does not sound promising. Where is Dr. McCoy?  
Chekov: Trying to stop the captain from doing the stuff.  
Spock: And Mr. Scott?  
Chekov: Trying to stop Dr. McCoy from stopping the captain from doing the stuff.  
Spock:  
Spock: I see. And what are you doing here, Ensign?  
Chekov: *nervously* I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Mr. Scott from stopping Dr. McCoy from stopping the captain from doing the stuff.


	156. Chapter 156

Jim: Without Uhura, I would not be here tonight.  
Chekov: That’s so cute!  
Jim: No, I mean, she literally dragged me out of Spock’s bed to get me here on time.  
Spock: *Vulcan sigh*


	157. Chapter 157

Bones: You’re ignoring all your problems.  
Jim: Yeah, I know.  
Bones: You know that’s not a healthy coping mechanism?  
Jim: Yeah, I’m kind of ignoring that, too.


	158. Chapter 158

Uhura: I couldn’t sleep last night.  
Chekov: Apparently, when someone is thinking about you, they keep you up.   
Uhura: Who would be thinking of me at four in the morning?  
Bones, Scotty, and Gaila: *collective panic*


	159. Chapter 159

Scotty: Chekov really looks up to you.  
Bones: He’s like five feet tall; he looks up to everyone.


	160. Chapter 160

Uhura: What’s the hardest thing to say?  
Sulu: I’m sorry.  
Bones: I was wrong.  
Jim: I need help.  
Scotty: No.  
Chekov: Worcestershire sauce.


	161. Chapter 161

Spock: Captain, are you well?   
Jim: Just another life-threatening conversation with your dad.


	162. Chapter 162

Uhura: There are over nine hundred trillion words in all the languages I know and yet not a single combination of them can describe how much I want to hit you with a chair right now.   
Jim: Fair.


	163. Chapter 163

*in TFF*  
Jim: Hey, have you seen those rocket boots?  
Spock: *slowly gliding away* No.


	164. Chapter 164

Jim: *busting into Bones's quarters* Hurry up! We’re gonna be late!  
Bones: *pulling the covers up* I don’t have any clothes.  
Jim: *presses button to open closet* Sure you do! You have regulation clothes, casual clothes, medical clothes, hey, Scotty, extreme weather clothes, party clothes…


	165. Chapter 165

Bones: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.   
Jim: What if it bites me and it dies?  
Bones: Then you’re poisonous. Obviously.  
Jim: What if it bites itself and I die?  
Sulu: That’s voodoo.  
Chekov: What if it bites me and someone else dies?  
Uhura: That’s correlation, not causation.  
Jim: What if we bite each other and neither of us dies?   
Sulu: That’s kinky.  
Bones: Oh my god.


	166. Chapter 166

Chekov: I’m so happy I could kiss you!  
Sulu: *nervous laughter* Um…. Neat.

Sulu: *lying face down on the bed* I can’t believe I said ‘neat.’ _Neat_. Nobody says ‘neat’ anymore. Except for me, because I’m a huge loser.  
Jim: Ah, don’t beat yourself up, Sulu. Everyone gets nervous sometimes. Remember what happened when Spock confessed to me?  
Sulu: Didn’t you, like, thank him?  
Jim: *staring at the wall* I thanked him.


	167. Chapter 167

Gaila: I think I'm in love with you.  
Uhura: *scoffing* You _think_?


	168. Chapter 168

*early hours of the morning in the vacant mess hall*  
Bones: The package says this mix makes _three dozen_ cookies; why did you make _four_?!  
Jim, Sulu, Scotty, and Chekov: *probably high, dying of laughter*  
Uhura: *filming*


	169. Chapter 169

Jim: I've gotta say, I wasn't expecting this away mission to go so badly.  
Bones: That makes one of us.


	170. Chapter 170

Chekov: You all are being ridiculous. Hikaru does not have a crush on me.  
Uhura: Yes, he does.  
Jim: Yes, he does.  
Scotty: Yes, he does.  
Bones: Yes, he does.  
Sulu: Yes, I do.


	171. Chapter 171

Uhura: Five things you would say in the bedroom.

Bones: Fuck!  
Sulu: I’m ready!  
Chekov: Where do I put it?!  
Jim: Who the hell are you?!!  
Scotty: I’m not ready!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMYws0U8fJk


	172. Chapter 172

Enterprise Crew: Tell us another story, Ambassador!  
Spock Prime: I don’t know if you wanna hear this, but... THE KLINGON WAR SHIPS CAME AT US FROM SOUTH AND WEST—


	173. Chapter 173

*at the Academy*  
Jim: Uhura can’t be good at everything. Maybe she’s a bad kisser.  
Gaila: No, she’s good at that, too.  
Jim: What?!  
Gaila: What.


	174. Chapter 174

Spock: So... where did Khan end up?  
Jim: Unclear. Wanna make out?


	175. Chapter 175

Bones: What are you doing?  
Scotty: The best that I can, Mr. I Sedate All My Problems.


	176. Chapter 176

Jim: What is toothpaste if not bone soap?  
Bones: Every time you speak, I age another 50 years.


	177. Chapter 177

*STID*  
Jim: Glad I'm finally out of that coma.  
Jim: Wanna take this back to my place?  
Spock: Um—   
Bones: You guys are fucking idiots.


	178. Chapter 178

Chekov: Before we embark on this suicide mission, anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me?  
Sulu: I'm literally the only other person in the shuttle.


	179. Chapter 179

Bones: You’d do well to remember that I am an officer of Starfleet. I kill people.  
Spock: You’re a doctor.  
Bones: I have bad days.


	180. Chapter 180

Sulu: Being gay isn’t a choice.  
Sulu: It’s a game, and I’m winning.


	181. Chapter 181

Sulu: I only feel one thing and it’s pain.  
Chekov: Last night you got drunk and texted me a thousand heart emojis.  
Sulu: … Out of pain.


	182. Chapter 182

Chekov: I have to tell you something.  
Sulu: Yeah?  
Chekov:  
Chekov:  
Chekov: I love you.  
Sulu: Aw, I love you, too.  
Sulu: You forgot what you were going to tell me, didn’t you?  
Chekov: I forgot.


	183. Chapter 183

Uhura: I have feelings for you.  
Spock: I have feelings for you.  
Jim: That feeling was friendship, which neither had ever experienced.


	184. Chapter 184

*on Kronos in STID*  
Jim: I know they’re Klingons, but c’mon, we can take ‘em.  
Uhura: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.


	185. Chapter 185

Jim: Next time you wanna stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.


	186. Chapter 186

Jim: Just get us on the ground!  
Sulu: That part will happen pretty definitely!


	187. Chapter 187

Jaylah: What are “friends with benefits”?  
Scotty: A... a very... special type of friends...  
Jaylah: Like us?   
Scotty: *chokes*


	188. Chapter 188

*at the Academy*  
Jim: *about Uhura* I can feel her undressing me with her eyes.  
Bones: Impossible, she would be laughing.


	189. Chapter 189

Uhura: Say no to drugs.  
Sulu: Say yes to drugs.  
Bones: It doesn’t matter what you tell drugs.  
Bones: Because if you’re talking to drugs, you’re taking drugs.


	190. Chapter 190

Bones: Truth or dare?  
Jim: Truth.  
Bones: How many hours have you slept this week?  
Jim: Dare.  
Bones: Go to sleep.  
Jim: I don’t like this game.


	191. Chapter 191

Uhura: This is my boyfriend, Spock, and this is Spock’s boyfriend, Jim.  
Pike: I’m sorry, what’s the situation here?   
Uhura: Spock is gay, but he’s straight for me but he’s gay for Jim, and Jim’s really gay for Spock.  
Uhura: And I hate Jim.


	192. Chapter 192

Chekov: *eats a cinnamon roll*  
Sulu: Cannibalism.


	193. Chapter 193

Gaila: Jim, tell me I’m pretty.  
Jim: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.  
Gaila: Cuz I’m pretty?  
Jim: Cuz you’re pretty.


	194. Chapter 194

Jim: I admit that I was wrong.  
Jim: However—  
Bones: No! No however. You were wrong! Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it!


	195. Chapter 195

Uhura: Well, I guess you’re not as dumb as I thought.   
Jim: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I’m just playing smart.


	196. Chapter 196

Bones: First of all, you’re an idiot.   
Bones: Second of all, shut up.  
Jim: I could have countered that, but I had already moved on to other things in my head.


	197. Chapter 197

Scotty: We’ll get out of this. We always do!  
Bones: You really wanna tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?!


	198. Chapter 198

*in any episode or film*  
Bones: There is literally no one in the world that I don’t hate right now.


	199. Chapter 199

Uhura: If you cannot get your act together when we go back down to the planet, so help me, I will shove a motherboard so far up your ass...  
Jim: You know, technically I outrank you—  
Uhura: SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!


	200. Chapter 200

*Enterprise late shift*

Scotty: I’m texting Uhura; I’m gonna ask her to dinner. How should I text it: “let’s get dinner” or “do you wanna get dinner”?  
Sulu: Go with “let’s get dinner.” So you’re like assertive and confident.  
Scotty: For sure.  
Sulu:   
Sulu: Actually, no, now you sound a little aggressive. Cuz you don’t wanna be the guy that's like “ _let’s get dinner_!” like you’re some sort of cave man.  
Chekov: You’re supposed to _ask_ her to dinner, not _tell_ her to dinner.  
Sulu: Just say: “do you wanna get dinner?”  
Scotty: Perfect.  
Chekov:   
Chekov: Actually, wait, now you sound kinda like a pussy.  
Scotty: This is tough.  
Sulu: The last thing you wanna be is the overly masculine guy that's like: “let's get dinner! I’m the breadwinner, bitch!”  
Chekov: But women also love assertiveness.  
Sulu: Say: “dinner would be something that I would enjoy taking you on, if you were also interested in attending the meal.”  
Scotty: The more words, the better.  
Chekov: No wait, say: “I would like nothing more than to take you to the finest restaurant in town for a lovely meal that we call dinner, milady.”  
Scotty: Should I send that in a voice memo?

*Jim & Bones, barging onto the bridge*

Bones: Fuck that, say: “dinner tonight, 7pm, take it or leave it, you bitch.”  
Jim: Cuz she’s playing games, bro.  
Bones: Sign it, seal it, deliver it.  
Jim: I don’t know why girls are so difficult all the time.  
Scotty: I’m. I’m not gonna say that.  
Bones: Definitely don’t say that dude, I don’t know shit about women.


	201. Chapter 201

Jim: I am single and ready to mingle.  
Bones: Actually, I think you’re just a slut.  
Jim: Do you wanna die today?  
Bones: Yes.


	202. Chapter 202

Spock: I need you to promise me that you’ll be on your best behavior.  
Jim: I promised other people I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave ’em my word, so…  
Spock: Don’t make me fire you.  
Jim: You can’t fire me ;)  
Spock: *Vulcan sigh*


	203. Chapter 203

Uhura: Babe, can you pass me the butter?  
Gaila: *reaches for the butter*  
Bones: *also reaches for the butter*  
Gaila:  
Bones:  
Uhura:  
Scotty: *running over with a stick of butter in hand* You needed me, babe?


	204. Chapter 204

Jim: What is this feeling, tearing through my chest? Could it be… love?   
Sulu: No, I’m pretty sure it’s a stab wound.


End file.
